Water, Water, Nowhere.

Chinese fried rice and fried balls (manchurian) was obviously the most sasta and tasty alternative to mess food; young, ravenous stomachs could be satisfied for Rs 25-30 each. The stall-owners and chefs would let it slip that they had a special Chinese ingredient, but ever since it was discovered that the two “boys” were Nepalis born in India, there was some doubt about what that ingredient was. Nevertheless, it came in two styles: spicy and more spicy. Manish and gang chose the latter and rushed to the nearby mithaiwala for a serving of shrikhand to round off the meal.

There’s something to be said about not mixing (Indian) Chinese food and milk products; Manish’s stomach was grumbling by the time they had walked back to the hostel.

Manish: Yaar, thoda stomach is paining. Main jaldi oopar jata hoon.

Swami: Haha... I told you don’t eat my manchurian, you greedy-cock. Now suffer.

Manish: I ate just one of your balls and you’re cribbing so much. Oooiiieeeee… see you.

Thomas: Go, go… don’t do it here. Hope you get some water in the loo.

Fifteen minutes later, in AS4. About 11pm.

Thomas: So, you’re done! Ooof! Close the door quickly… the smell is unbearable.

Manish: Oh, sorry. There wasn’t any water in the toilet. I just found half a bucket of water there, luckily.

Swami: Ooyy! That was my bucket, no? I had kept it for the morning. Bugger, what will I do now?

Manish: We can think about morning when it comes. Right now, my stomach is in a bad shape.

Thomas: Control, Manish, control. We have no water left with us.

Manish: Shit man! I don’t know why we can’t even get some water in this bloody hostel! Can’t even shit in peace.

Thomas: Why don’t you try the C-block, they have water that side. Last time I found water in CS block toilet when every other block was dry.

Manish: Yeah, I will check if I have to go again. Swami, you had some tablet, no, for stomach upset?

Swami: Let me see, I think there was one left. You need at least 2-3 for immediate impact.

Manish: Boss, gimme whatever you have!!

It was 2am. Manish jumped up from his bed and ran to the toilet. Hope there is some water, he prayed as he opened the tap. Nope, nothing there. Should I check in CS block? Ooopss, can’t wait any longer! He rushed inside, into the second (and only other) toilet. Thank God, I kept those papers in my pockets before I slept!

It was 5am. Manish hadn’t slept much for the past three hours. He was alternatively cursing the hostel and everyone associated with it and praying for his stomach to become ok. He got up. He almost choked as he stepped out into the corridor; there was no way he could use the toilets in his blocks now. He held his stomach and wobbled his way across towards the CS block. Wow!! He could actually hear the sound of water as he reached the CS toilets; thank God!

Amit was stepping out of the toilet when he spotted Manish entering CS block.

Amit: Kya Manish? Itna subah subah? Kisko jagane aaye ho?

Manish: Nahin yaar. No water in our block. Pet gadbad hai.

Amit: Kyaa yaar! Tum AS block waale hamesha idhar aa jaate ho. Hamara paani finish kar dete ho.

Manish: Kya karen Amit… kuch problem hai hamaare water-tank mein. Achcha, baad mein baat karen… mujhe thoda urgent lagi hai.

Amit: Yaar, us din Thomas bhi yahi bol raha tha aur aadha ghanta nahaa ke gaya. Full water finished. Don’t mind, par ham doosron ko allow nahin karenge. CS block ka decision hai.

Manish: Yaar, baad mein discuss karte hain… abhi tenshun hai pet mein.

Amit: Please yaar, jhagda ho jaayega. Tu kidhar aur chala jaa.

Manish: Can’t wait… ooohhhh… (running into the toilet)

Amit: Oye, ruk… saala… oye Ramu, Mitesh… utho, dekho yeh Manish hamare bathroom mein ghus gaya!!

Ramu and Mitesh, sleepy-eyed, joined Amit near the toilets.

Amit: Manish! Jaldi baahar aa be… nahin to oopar se joota phekenge.

Ramu: Joota kyon kharab kar rahe ho… idhar kachda pada hoga, wahi phekenge!

Manish (from inside): Arre guys! I got food poisoning yaar. Kuch to consider karo. Main yahan naachne ya nahaane thode hi aaya hoon.

Mitesh: Aisa story ham bahoot sun chuke hain. Arre Amit, yeh baalti to utha… sandaas ke saath saath iska nahana bhi finish kar denge. Ek, do, teen….

Manish: Yaar, paani waste kyon kar rahe ho! Ooiieeee… (voice drowned.)

This is Episode 11 of the Hostelitis saga. Check all episodes here. The Preface can be found here.

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Drawing Together

Now that ragging was over, Manish felt at ease. Almost a month had passed since he had left home. During ragging, he had felt terribly home-sick, often considering running away from the hostel, at least for the weekends. It was only the company of Swami and Thomas that helped him tide over those difficult days. Now that ragging was behind them, and hostel conditions had become bearable (not through improvement but by resetting expectations downwards), Manish was looking forward to engineering college life.

And, of course, there was Prema.

Section B was in the Drawing Hall for the Engineering Drawing class. They were learning how to draw straight lines. And practise hand-writing. Kindergarten revisited, Manish thought. Sound of shuffling feet, sudden silence in the hall and Prema made a hurried entry into the room. She went to the Professor at the front of the large hall, sharp words ensued. Manish could not help noticing.

Prema walked back, with a scowl on her face. She was looking for her roll-number on the drawing tables that were laid out in several long lines. Manish noticed that the table next to his was vacant, but such things happened only in Hindi films, no? In a sudden vote of confidence for Bollywood, Prema stopped at that table and took her seat, in a huff. By the time she had opened her bag and took out an assortment of pencils and other drawing instruments, Manish had given up even the pretension of completing his straight lines.

Not having heard the Professor's instructions at the beginning, Prema looked around in confusion. "Hi. Do you remember me, we met in the canteen?" Manish awoke from his reverie. Those words were not his mental ramblings; he had heard them being spoken. In the sweet voice of Prema. "Yyyess. Yes. Of course." What a question! The whole college was talking about her, and she wants to know if I remember her.

Prema: Thank God, there is someone I know next to me. I have no idea what to do in this class.

Manish: Oh! no problem. No problem.

Prema: Thanks. Can you tell me what is to be done?

Manish: We are supposed to practise straight lines, alphabet and numbers today. Do you have the text book with you?

Prema: Wait, I have a drawing book - let me show it you. N D Bhatt. Is that the one?

Manish: That's right. We have to do the exercises from Chapter 1. First of all, you have to clip the drawing sheet to the board here.

Prema: Thanks a lot, hmmm... what is your name? I am sorry I forgot.

Manish: Mm.. Manish.

Prema: I am Prema.

Manish: I know...

Later, that evening in AS4:

Manish: Yaar, I don’t feel like eating in the mess today. Come, let’s go out somewhere.

Thomas: Why, what happened? That too, today it’s puri for dinner.

Manish: Big deal, yaar. I want to eat something different, feel like celebrating.

Thomas: Cool! Something happened today? Swami, what’s the story?

Swami: I don’t know but… Manish, were you not talking to Prema in the Drawing class?

Manish: Nothing, nothing… she was just asking what the assignment was… er.. she came late to the class. Just leave that. You want to eat Chinese or not? My treat.

Thomas: Ohh!! Why didn’t you say that before? Swami, don’t trouble Manish. We can talk on the way back.

Swami: Hmm… I don’t know da. These Chinese places mix non-veg stuff. You guys go.

Thomas: Hey, this is pure veg. Road-side stall near Ichchhanath temple. Noodles, fried rice and Manchurian. Indian Veg Chinese.

Manish: Sasta and Tasty. Chal, let’s go!!

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The End of Ragging. Phew!

The next evening. Thomas and Manish are at the mess.

Manish: Yaar, Swami is not to be seen since evening. Where's he?

Thomas: Don't you know today is their MR. He won't be back tonight.

Manish: Yeh MR kya hai?

Thomas: You've become a proper loverboy! You have no clue what's happening around us.

Manish: What crap! Just tell, no...

Thomas: Arre, it is Mass Ragging. The last day of ragging. TN association is having it today.

Manish: Oh! What happens in MR?

Thomas: Anything can happen. And if you survive it, then you get the welcome party.

Manish: Shit! Do they hit also?

Thomas: Depends, man. Some states have it very bad. TN, AP... are worst. Others are OK.

Manish: What about you? Your MR is over?

Thomas: Of course, you didn't see I wore jeans to class today. Anyway, you don't see anyone else nowadays.

Manish: Arre yaar... I am getting worried. Did you get hit? Tell me, no, what happened in your MR.

Thomas: See, my seniors were quite cool, man. They just teased me and had some fun. And it was over.

Manish: Lucky, yaar. Pata nahin how our MR will be. 

Thomas: Don't worry, it should be over this week for all states, I think.

Next morning. Swami is brushing his teeth. Thomas enters the bathroom. 

Thomas: Oye Swami-ji! How was it? When did you get back?

Swami (looking up): Hi, da.

Thomas: What, man! Your face is swollen... it's looking like a tomato. What happened?

Swami: Nothing, nothing... little bit in the MR. It's ok, now.

Thomas: Hey, you got hit badly, it looks like, man!

Swami: Yeah. Lots of slapping. I lost count after 100. They finished at 4'o clock.

Thomas: What the fuck, man! 100!! Manish! Manish!!

A couple of days later. Evening, Hostel 1.

Thomas: Man, don't worry. You will be fine!

Manish: What, yaar. Swami ka face is still swollen. I won't go for MR, yaar. What will they do?

Thomas: Hey, everything will be fine, man. Your seniors are not so bad. I don't think they will hit you guys.

Manish: Yeah, till now. But what if they become mad on this MR day?

Thomas: See, it is better to face it than run away, no? If you don't go today, they will catch you tomorrow.

Manish: What if I complain to the Warden? Those other guys complained, no?

Thomas: True, and those seniors were expelled from hostel for a year too. But that was an extreme case, yaar! That chap fainted.

Manish: But what if mine also becomes an extreme case? I don't want to find out later.

Thomas: See, Rajeev is there, no? He likes you, I think. Just be around him and he will protect you.

Manish: I don't know, yaar. To go or not to go...

An hour later. Somewhere on the University Road. A solitary street-light provided dim lighting on a new moon night. Oh, the omens! Ten freshers from Maharashtra stood in line. A bunch of seniors were loitering nearby. One of them took charge. "Attention! Now we will have march past and twenty-one gun salute. Guard of honour is our Association President, Sri Varoon Hegde."

A round of introductions followed and the MC announced, "Now, everybody will describe his wildest fantasy to the audience. And stories from recent Debonairs are not permitted. We have read all of them, mind you!" Manish gulped, he had been getting ready for slaps but this was worse. He had never read a Debonair, so he had no idea what was even expected. Rahul was saying something about Silk Smitha and something he wanted to do with her - the seniors seemed quite excited by the story, someone was even whistling. A fresher smiled. The MC pounced on him. "Sharad, you were smiling. Smile Wash!"

Sharad enacted the Smile Wash, zipping his mouth and shoving it into his backside. "Meri hansi meri gaand mein ghusi. Oiyeee!"

And then it was Manish's turn. He vaguely remembered a movie that he had watched at his friend's house... a French movie with subtitles; most likely none of these fellows would have seen it. He had to take his chances.

Manish: Sir, my fantasy is that I am a French nobleman with a beautiful wife and two mistresses.... (somebody clapped; "sahi, firangi story!")...one day, I am with my first mistress and my wife comes home... (hey, this won't do! we need more details! what were you doing!)...

A few minutes later, Manish managed to end his story, though a few seniors were grumbling that this was like a U/A movie, not even adult! 

After all the freshers had finished their stories, the MC announced that there would be a round of one-on-one interviews. Manish hurried towards Rajeev, hoping to get him as the interviewer. The MC, Shyam, blocked his way, "Arre Manish, you never met me even once during the ragging period. Give me a chance to talk to you." Manish was trapped as he looked down at Shyam who was at least a foot shorter than he was. "Yes, sir, sure sir." 

Shyam: So Manish, you got away without telling us a good fantasy. Why don't you tell me another one?" 

Manish: Sir, I am not able to remember anything sir. Only that one fantasy I have.

Shyam: Come on, man. You must be at least eighteen years old, no? You must be having many fantasies.

Manish: No, sir. I don't know, sir.

Shyam: Achcha, tell me, what was your count during ragging?

Manish: What count, sir?

Shyam: You don't know what is the count! Count of how many slaps you got.

Manish: None, sir.

Shyam: Oh, is that so? You've been let off lightly then. Bend down.

Manish: Sir?

Shyam: Sit on your knees so that I can slap you properly.

Manish had received three slaps when Sri Hegde announced, "End of ragging! Welcome to REC." And there were smiles and shake-hands and whistles all around.

Rajeev found Manish standing by himself.

Rajeev: Hey Manish. Welcome! Welcome!

Manish (mumbles): Thank you, Sir.

Rajeev: Call me Rajeev now. Hey, are you crying?

Manish: No sir. 

Rajeev: Come on, tell me. What are you crying for? And call me Rajeev.

Manish: No, no... I am OK.

Rajeev: Did Shyam slap you? I saw him talking to you.

Manish: No... yes... two - three...

Rajeev: He is a fool, bloody frustuu, man. Just don't mind him. And you're so much bigger than him. He couldn't have hurt you.

Manish: No.. not that.. it's not paining. It's shameful to be hit when you can't hit back. Particularly that bloody short fuck!

Rajeev: Hahaha! That's the spirit! You will get your chance sometime in life. So now, just enjoy. Ragging is over!

Manish: So where are you treating us now?

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Episode 8: Males and Non-Males

For a change, this episode of Hostelitis is in a comic format. The previous episode can be found here.

This is Episode 8 of the Hostelitis saga. Check all episodes here. The Preface can be found here.

Photos used with permission for representation purposes only. If you want to volunteer your Hostel photos for future comics, please sign up at the Facebook Fan Page.

This format is inspired by Fly You Fools!; Thanks to Saad for his tips. Will take a while before those quality levels can be reached.

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Introduction to Two Women on One Day!

Prema looked up from her plate of half eaten masala dosa.

Manish had no choice now. "Excuse me." "Yes?" What a voice. She must be a singer.

 "Those seniors sent me. They want your introduction. If you don't mind. I am being ragged." Please. "What introduction?" "Your name, which college, hobbies, you know that kind of thing." Date of birth."Oh, OK. My name is Prema Maheswaran. I am from Kendriya Vidyalaya, Madras. I like reading books. OK?" What about singing? "Thank you very much." Manish turned to go back. "Wait, what is your name?" Hooray! "M-M-Manish. I am in your section only." "OK."

Swami and Thomas waved their hands excitedly as Manish walked back to the seniors. Avoiding their eyes, Manish reported, "Sir, her name is Ms. Prema Maheswaran. She is from Kendriya Vidyalaya, Madras. Her hobby is reading books. Sir." "That's all? Why didn't you ask her something else?" In front of the entire college??!! "What books does she read? Who is her favourite author? Which branch is she in?" "Sorry, sir." "You have no guts, man. Rajeev, I think you must demote Corporal Crap and train him some more." 

Rajeev, aka Thug#1, took charge. "Do you see that lady in red t-shirt in the corner? Her name is Miss Lily. Go and tell her, 'Miss Lily, Don't be silly.' Go fast before she finishes her chai." Manish gulped, looked at his feet and pleaded, "Please, Sir. She may get angry, sir." "Not at all, she is a very friendly lady. She might buy you a cutting, you know. Ask her that also, if you can share her chai." "Please, sir. Please." "Corporal! You will be demoted to Sepoy and run around the campus five times today if you don't move your ass immediately! GO!" 

Manish moved slowly, praying that Miss Lily would finish her tea and return to her class immediately. But she seemed to be in no hurry. She was sitting with a couple of friends, and they were busy talking. Manish looked back, hoping the seniors were only joking and would ask him to get back, no such luck. The canteen was not too big and soon he was standing at Miss Lily's table.

Miss Lily looked up. There was a peel of laughter from the thugs. Manish stood there, not daring to lift his eyes up. She asked him, in a not unfriendly tone, "What do you want?" 

Manish: (silence)

Miss Lily: "Did those guys send you here?

Manish: (nodding)

Miss Lily: "Are you supposed to ask me something or tell me something?

Manish: (nodding)

Miss Lily: "So speak up! I am not going to eat you up.

Manish: (croaking) "Miss Lily.... Miss Lily.... you are... you are...

Miss Lily: "What?

Manish: "Silly.

Miss Lily's friends laughed loudly. Miss Lily began to smile, then made her face strict. "My name is not Lily. And I am surely not silly. Next time you want to speak to me, call me Mala and look into my eyes. Now go away."

Manish said a silent prayer, glanced up slightly and saw that Mala was now smiling. He took courage and ventured, "Ma'am I am also supposed to ask you to share your chai with me. They told to tell you, ma'am." Mala stood up, held Manish's shoulder and walked him back to the seniors. "Rajeev, you cheapskate! You are not only ragging this poor fellow, you also want me to buy him chai! You buy him chai now. And the next time anybody calls me Miss Lily, you've had it." The last statement seemed to be for the benefit of the entire canteen because it was shouted out loudly. 

Rajeev, too stunned to react, found his voice after Mala was back at her table. "What nakhras! Oye chotu, ek chai for this bachcha. Mere account mein daal dena." Turning towards Manish, "Dismissed. Enough for today. I will see you tomorrow, same place, same time."

This is Episode 7 of the Hostelitis saga. Check all episodes here. The Preface can be found here.

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Travails of a Loverboy

Next morning Manish rose early and rushed towards the Main Block by 10am. He wanted to get a chance to speak to Prema before Swami and the others reached the class. He waited patiently at the entrance, mentally practicing the conversation. Twenty minutes passed and there was no sign of Prema. However, Swami and Thomas appeared, grinning widely.

Swami: "Hi, loverboy. Who are you waiting for?

Manish: "Nothing. Nobody.

Thomas: "Don't lie. I saw you leave half an hour ago.  

Manish: "I wanted to check out the library.

Swami: "Ha! What an excuse. 

Thomas: "Look all the girls are the coming now. Swami, which one of them is Prema?

Swami: "The blue one on the left... I mean, blue dress. 

Thomas: "Wow. Manish, good choice, man.

Manish: "Shut up. I don't know what you are talking about.

Swami: "Why are they all wearing same type of clothes, punjabi dress?

Thomas: "Maybe that is part of their ragging, like our full sleeves. 

Manish: "I am going to the class, OK. See you later.

Thomas: "Our man has really fallen hard, Swami. Take care of him in the class.

The next four hours were torturous for Manish. He saw no possibility of speaking to Prema without half the college, including Swami seeing him. Swami had apparently decided that he would be Manish's chaperone, he refused to let Manish go out of sight. Manish did not want to lose this opportunity - he had a great excuse to go speak with Prema. Manish observed during the first break several guys in the class trying to draw her into conversation; she was polite but, thankfully, did not seem to be talking too much with any of them. Come on, God, do something!

Soon it was lunch break and Manish was nowhere closer to saying hello to Prema, forget about getting her intro. He headed towards the canteen, to keep his date with the senior. He had also seen Prema walk towards the canteen with a couple of other first year girls. At the canteen, he spied his two friendly thugs at the corner table, their haunt, it appeared. He walked towards them, nervously. As if on cue, the third senior also appeared and asked him, with a smile on his face, "So Corporal, what report do you bring us?" Manish gulped and said, "Sir, I-I-I could not speak with her... she was busy in the class. Sorry, sir." "How dare you disobey my order! I want to hear her intro now. Is she in the canteen?" Manish looked around and saw Prema at a table near the door. "She is there, sir, near the door." "She is not busy in class now, right? You can speak to her now." "Now, sir?" "Yes. Go." "Don't be shy, Corporal. We are doing this to make you a brave officer," chirped in Thug#1. "Go fast," prompted Thug#2.

Manish swallowed hard and turned. Everyone in the canteen had stopped talking and were looking at him. Or so he felt. He was also feeling excited about finally speaking with Prema, but he would have preferred a less public conversation. Wow! She is so good looking. Is she looking at me? Finally he reached her table and stood there. Silently. By now many in the canteen had realised that some drama was happening. Someone whistled from the back. The freshies looked at him, not sure whether to be envious or sympathetic.

Prema looked up from her plate of half eaten masala dosa.

This is Episode 6 of the Hostelitis saga. Check all episodes here. The Preface can be found here. 

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Luck By Chance

DF2 Third Hostel. Enter Manish. Bent at right angles, hands stretched in obeisance. 

Manish: "Namaste Sreemanji, Namaste Sreemanji, Namaste Sreemanji.  

Thug#1: "Come in, come in, Corporal Crap. At ease.

Thug#2: "I don't think you have met your great-grandfather, here. Why don't you give your intro?

Manish: "Yes, Sir. My name is Manish Malhotra. My father's name is Mr. Raghav Malhotra. I am from Mumbai and I did my Higher Secondary Certificate from MBM College, Chembur.

Thug#1: "What d'you mean by MBM? Main Bhi Madhuri College?!

Manish: "Sorry, Sir. Sir, Motilal Bharatram Mehta College. My percentage in the Higher Secondary Certificate exams was 88.6%. My father works in Indian Railways and my mother is a housewife. I have...

Thug#3 (a final year student): "Hey, enough enough. I don't want to know more about you. Tell me about this girl in Section B. What is her name?

Manish: "Prema Maheswaran, sir.

Thugh#1: "Is she your sister?

Manish: "No sir, sorry sir. Ms. Prema Maheswaran.

Thug#3: "That's better. Bol, what do you know about her?

Manish: "Nothing sir. Just her name, sir." 

Thugh#3: "Kya dhakkan hai!. Tomorrow by lunch time, I want to hear her intro. I will meet you at the canteen, OK. 

Manish: "Yes, sir. Sure, sir.                                      

Later that night, in Manish's room. 

"Aisa mauka phir kahaan milega..." Manish belted out, in context and out of tune. Attracted by the noise, Swami entered, followed shortly by Thomas. Good looking and with curly hair, Thomas was an aspiring rock singer from Goa. Unfortunately for him, he was also quite intelligent and scored such high marks in HSC that he was forced to join engineering college. Little did he know then that engineering college would give him ample time and opportunities to pursue his primary career interest.

Thomas: "What's the scene, man! You seem totally khush.                                

Manish: "Nothing, guys. Generally singing a song.

Swami: "Is this fellow blushing or what? Why are your cheeks turning red?

Manish: "What crap! Why should I blush? I just got back from ragging.

Thomas: "Blushing, blushing. Our man is blushing...

Swami: "I know. I know. He has fallen for that girl in our section. 

Thomas: "Prema? What!

Manish: "What crap!!

Swami: "I know. He had this dazed look from morning.

Swami & Thomas: "Manish is in love. Manish is in love.

Manish: "What crap!!!

Thomas: "Saanson ki zaroorat hai jaise, zindagi ke liye, bas ek Prema chahiye, aashiqui ke liye. 

Manish: "Swami, mein tere ko dekh loonga. Now I am going to sleep. Good night.

Thomas: "Sweet Dreams.

This is Episode 5 of the Hostelitis saga. Check all episodes here. The Preface can be found here. 

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